Just a knock on the door, that’s all it took to snap me out of my foggy thought. Who was it at the door? My gaze wandered over the newly cleaned living room. Maybe it was food, or have I forgotten that I invited someone over?
I slowly rose from the couch I had been so comfortable sitting in, day dreaming about sweet things, like them staying. Maybe it’s them, maybe they’ve been allowed to leave, maybe I don’t have to worry anymore.
I walk over to the door with heavy steps, it feels as if I haven’t moved in years. My legs are stiff, so are my arms, back and even neck. Have I been sleepwalking again? Or is it just the cold, yeah, maybe it’s just the cold.
I reach out towards the door knob, not even remembering why anymore, had someone knocked? Or am I just out of it again. I turn the knob slowly and open the door, I lift my gaze when I see a pair of familiar black shoes. They’re here..
I can feel a soft smile creeping up my face, when I lifted my gaze, my thoughts were confirmed.. They really are here, but I can see that something is wrong. They’re paler, not the usual shine in those eyes as I’m used to, no, they’re dull, empty in a way that’s hard to describe. I got a feeling.. been having it the whole week ever since they left. Ever since then I’ve gotten sleepless nights worrying, worrying about them, about whether they will be there when I wake up, if they’ll be there the next day or second. The thoughts always keep me up, even though I know I wouldn’t be able to change fate if it decided to take them away in a couple months, days, or even seconds. I wouldn’t be able to stop it either way if it came to that.
But now they’re here, I can stop worrying, I can calm the thoughts racing through my head every second I don’t see them. Because they’re here, on my porch, but pale, I try to look past the emptiness in their eyes. They’re smiling, smiling at me, god, I haven’t seen that smile in weeks.. I miss it, I miss every second of them being with me, safe, nothing to worry about. Just me, them, and the comfortable silence.
I don’t remember reaching out, but I remember the feeling of their skin under my fingertips, how I led them into the house. I think I’m smiling, it feels like it, it aches, I haven’t smiled in days. We’re on the balcony, apparently I led them up there without noticing myself. It’s our place, the balcony. We always stay here, even when it’s raining and the breeze is sweeping through our clothes. It’s comfortable, our space, it’s safe.
We lean against the balcony rail, as always, it is comfortable, the feeling of being here, like normal times, old times.
“So, how are you?” They ask, same steady voice as I always remember, even after all this time they spoke with a steady ground, never wavering. Always them asking first though, always them breaking the silence first. Never me, why? ‘Cause I like the silence. But I should be the one breaking it for their sake this time…
“I missed you..” That was all I could get out. I didn’t trust my voice at the moment, it was weak, shaky, I haven’t really talked the past week since they left. Haven’t wanted anyone to fill the silence that they left. No. Never.
They smiled, actually smiled.. Not a forced smile like before when I opened the door and met their gaze, a soft one, full of meanings I couldn’t even imagine a smile could have. I couldn’t smile, not right now, not in some seconds or minutes, I was broken. I missed them so much it had hurt every day in my chest. It still hurts, I wonder why, they’re here now, aren’t they?
They turn to look out at the sky, over the shimmering stars that are always there, never leaving, they’re beautiful, just like them. I look over at them, how can I not? I can barely believe that the only person I wished to be at the door was there… It’s too good to be true.. Their eyes look full now, with all the reflections of the stars in their gaze, it’s hard to look away, I mean, from empty dull eyes to those shimmery starlike ones, it’s magical to look at.
I always get caught in their beautiful eyes, sometimes I can stare into them for hours, never get tired of it. I don’t know what to call these feelings, but all I know is that I don’t want it to end. Ever. Please just let me keep them here, don’t take them away from me again. I just want them to stay, forever, with me, never leave. Please.
The comfortable silence was broken by the sound of a call, my ringtone, my phone, someone was calling me, this late. Why? I don’t have time for that.
I reached into the pocket of my gray, soft, sweatpants, the fabric brushing against my sore knuckles. Why does it hurt taking up the phone? Why does it hurt even touching it? I don’t know, but as I stare at the screen of the lit advice, I’m shocked to see who’s calling. Their sister… Why? They’re here with me, safe, alive, why was she calling? I just look at the screen for a long time, I’m stuck, do I answer? Or do I ignore it and continue talking to them… I don’t know anymore. I don’t remember my feet moving, I don’t remember saying “I’ll be back in a minute” What if that was a lie? What if I won’t be back in a minute? That’s dumb of me, lying to them, they hate lying, and so do I.
My legs carry me into the darkness of my bedroom, I don’t remember sleeping in here for a long time, then I remember my phone, the call, their sister. I answer.
Her breath is shaky on the other end, it’s like I can feel it against my skin as I hold the phone to my ear.
“Hello?” I remember myself saying after a long silence of shaky breathing on the other end. I remember myself standing completely still as she starts talking, the hair on my body rising. I don’t remember everything she said, it’s blurry, but one thing I do remember her saying is…. “…they’re gone..11:11pm…” The time ring in my ears, the faint sound of her sobbing on the other end of the call doesn’t snap me out of it. 11:11pm… the exact time they knocked on my door…
Does that mean…no no no.. that can’t be right. Am I going crazy? Maybe I need to get out of here, away, far far away, I can’t go to a place like that…Away, away, away away away away awayawayaway….!!
My gaze sweeps around the room, taking it in as I plan my escape without them noticing… This has to go quick, they can’t see me, no, they’re not there. They’re gone. Gone. I’m just seeing things.. again.. God… I hate this…
I hurry out of the room, I don’t even remember what room I’m in, I just remember hurrying away from it, out in the living room, then to the hall. I don’t bother to take on those purple shoes, I think that they’re mine, I don’t know anymore, maybe I’m seeing that too, maybe there aren’t any shoes by the door.
I open the door fast, to fast, i cut myself on something sharp on the door handel. Fuck. That hurts but I do not stop, of course, it would be dumb if I stopped, I continue, out, must out, must get air, must breath. Quick. It’s getting hard to breathe, shit.. Not now, I gotta get out first, it can wait, please.
I’m quickly stepping outside of the door, it feels as if someone is watching me, the hair on my neck rises. Shit shit shit shit. Gotta get out now before they catch me. Please, don’t catch me yet… I don’t know why I’m running. I’ve wanted this for a long time, to get away from the pain, to let the darkness consume me, to let everything just fade away… Now I could get that, I could just fade away with them, I could let them take me with them to the end.. All the pain could be gone, all the traces of my burden, just gone, with the wind if I just take their hand and let it consume me forever… just like them, then I’ll never be alone again….
But I don’t look back, no, I keep running, or walking, I don’t know what I’m doing, everything is spinning in my head, I’m not sure of anything right now, haven’t been for the past week.. Nothing has made sense, not the marks on my wrists, not those on my stomach or legs either… not the knife hiding under my mattress or the metallic smell coming from the cabinet. Maybe that can explain it all, the thoughts, the sights, the hearing… Maybe I am going crazy, maybe I’m just meant to be at one of those places… Maybe I am a freak after all…
I keep running, running and running and running, I’m not stopping till my feet are spinning red in every step I’m taking, I’m not stopping till my lungs pop like a pair of balloons that touch something sharp. But I am not a ballon, I’ve touched something sharp, everyday the past week, I haven’t been conscious about it, but the aftermath is obvious, at least for me, not anyone else. My feet feel wet, I think I’ve stepped in water, but there’s no water around me, nothing wet. I look down at my feet, they’re throbbing like someone has hit them with a hammer, just like with a thumb, but not as bad, at least what I think. Maybe this is all and imagination.
Did I step in paint on the way here? It seems like it, my feet are full of red, and so is the ground I’m standing on, the dirt is being painted red, red red red, red like the color of a strawberry, I like strawberries, they taste good, really good.
I’m still staring at my feet, at my strawberry red feet, maybe they’re supposed to feel like this, or am I just imagining this feeling too. It wouldn’t surprise me if I were, it would be just another thing why I deserve that place, why I deserve to be locked up, away from humanity so I won’t scare their little children or maybe make them leave the pain before I do.
I never noticed when I started walking again, leaving the strawberry liquid behind me with every step I took. I must be crazy, there must be something wrong with my head. Definitely many things, more than one thing is wrong with me, that’s what everyone says.
I’m apparently on my way to the forest, the path is fading into just grass on the ground and the trees are getting closer and closer. How long have I been walking for… How far.. have I walked..? Maybe miles… or even kilometers… I don’t know, don’t remember… How did I get here? I remember running, my breathing, the call…. That’s why I ran… she had called… told me they were gone… Forever..
My steps come to a stop. I’m standing in front of a large lake, the moon’s light shines down on the surface of the water, making it look like it’s made of crystals, it’s beautiful… Just like their eyes.. Their laugh.. Their smile… Everything…
My gaze searches the lake for people, familiar faces maybe, making sure that they’re watching me. I don’t even know what I want them to watch, maybe my failure, me running from something that doesn’t exist, them not actually being there, maybe the truth… I can feel how my body is leaning forward, forwards over the lakes edge, closer to the water. I’m leaning over it now, and I can see my reflection in it, I look horrible… I look like the freak I really am… My eyes are closed, my whole body relaxed, I’ve never been this relaxed I think, never felt this calm before, not even when they were with me..
Then I feel it. The wind trying to stop my body’s weight, then the cold sweeping in around me. I can feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the lake, it feels good, it will finally end… And I’ll feel the last bit of pain that I deserve before it’s all gone.
After a while of feeling the cold water sweeping into the dry of my clothes and hair, I can feel how my whole body grows heavy from water slowly, slowly, filling it. How my body fights for air, but I don’t move to get it, I stay still as I sink and sink deeper down into the dark. My lungs are gasping for air as they are slowly filled with water, it hurts, it hurts so much, but I don’t do anything to stop it, no, I want it to hurt, I want it all to then just be gone.
My mind is growing heavy, that’s good, means it will be over soon, that I will finally meet them again, that I will be with them forever, never leave each other’s side, I will never be alone again..
My body has stopped fighting for air, I can feel how I’m just slowly fading away. Goodbye world… I won’t miss you… Won’t miss the pain, won’t miss the hurt, won’t miss the way it all made me feel… I’m free now… Free… With them…. Forever…
The sound of her crying on the other end snapped me out of the thoughts. I look at the phone in my hand, remembering the words clearly, telling me that they’re gone, that they won’t come back again. Something in my chest aches, don’t know if it’s from grief, or pain, can’t tell the difference anymore. All I know is… that I won’t run from it, no… I’ll make the most of the time they’re here, actually here but not here… I end the call without looking, I remember moving towards the door to the bedroom, or was I in the bedroom? I don’t know, or remember, and neither do I care right now. Heavy legs take me back to the balcony, I just stand there for a while, looking out at them. My eyes are stinging, am I crying citric acid? I sure hope not, but it feels like it.
I walk out, out onto the balcony, out to them again, I’m not wasting this time I have with them, no, not again, never again..
Their faces are shining when I come out again, the cold night breeze hitting my face. They’re the star, and I never understood how much they meant to me until this moment… I love them.. They’re my light in the dark.. I wish I could pause time and stay here forever, that’s the thing I’m certain about, I don’t want to leave this, I want to stay, but only with them..
I can feel a smile on my own face growing slightly, it didn’t reach my eyes but it was a genius smile, that much I could feel. I’m happy… actually happy, with them, thanks to them, they’re the best…
“I’ll miss you..” I hear my weak voice say, my cheeks are wet, why? Is it the citric acid falling down from my eyes? Probably, I think so. I don’t wipe it away, even though I want to, I’m done with hiding from them.
They answer me with only a smile, that’s enough for me, no words are needed to understand.
I can feel my eyelids growing heavy… The ache in my chest is still there. They say something, but I’m not sure that I heard, but I answer, so apparently I heard. My vision is fading slowly, it’s getting hard to see and my body is getting heavy. Not a bad heavy, it feels good, like my body is accepting the heaviness… Is this the end? Is that why they came to me..? To take me with them, to tell me that it’s time for me to go too..? Maybe… It sure feels like it now.
I can see the shining of the sun on its way up from its rest. The sky is beautiful… Sometimes I wish I could stay, sometimes I wish I wanted to stay.. And now when they’re leaving… I don’t want them to go alone. Please don’t say that I have to stay.. That they’re just here to say goodbye..
My eyes are growing heavy, why always my eyes? Why always the heaviness…
I close them, slowly, I want to have one last look at them before they go… Before I’m stuck here alone… again… Please…. Take me with you to the finishline.. Don’t leave me alone in the race…
I can feel something around me, warm, solid, arm..? Who’s embracing me… I can’t see, my eyes are closed, my breath is slowing… This feels good, this feels right… Am I at the finishline..? I sure hope so.
Sounds like sobbing… or maybe someone is just choking.. Yeah, must be that, ‘cause why would anyone sob because of me? I’m nothing worth spilling your- what are they spilling..? Are their eyes filled with citric acid too, just like mine? Do their eyes hurt? I hope not, I don’t want anyone feeling the pain I feel, wouldn’t even wish that upon my worst enemy. No, never.
Feels as if I’m not breathing anymore, that’s fine, maybe I’m just forgetting to breathe, that happens all the time, I’m used to it.
There’s a voice… a familiar voice…. is it them..? Are they speaking to me…?
“It’s time to go, the sun has risen” It was them speaking… Don’t worry…
I’m coming, Cassian, I’m coming…
Författare: Lassi