Elara, Thursday 2008-11-07
The swings were old and creaked every time we moved. The rusty iron felt cold against my hands, and when I gripped the chains, they almost cut into my palms. But I didn’t care. Neither did Berk.
It was dark outside, and the only light came from a few street lamps scattered around the park. Some glowed so faintly they were barely noticeable, while others flickered on and off, as if struggling to stay alive. The houses surrounding us were old, and since it wasn’t too late yet, many windows were still lit.
I glanced toward the forest behind the park and quickly looked away again. It looked dark and desolate, with trees standing tightly packed together. It seemed as if no one had taken care of them for years. I tried to ignore it and focused on Berk instead. He was standing on his swing, just like me, and we swung in sync.
-Can you believe we’ve been friends for eight years? he asked, looking up at the dark sky.
I smiled faintly.
-Time goes by so fast. Sometimes it feels like we met just yesterday.
I remembered the first time we met. I would never forget that day.
-The best friendships always start in the most meaningless ways.
I laughed at the thought and smiled.
-I really can’t forget that day. Especially your facial expression when I waved at you to sit next to me.
He imitated my shocked expression and pointed at himself. I burst out laughing.
-That’s exactly how you looked!
I shook my head and smiled.
-I still remember the first question you asked me.
Berk laughed out loud this time.
-Of course you do. Who asks someone they’ve just met which political party they support? Yeah, right, me.
I sighed dramatically but couldn’t hold back my smile.
I jumped off the swing and walked over to the wooden fence around the park, where my jacket lay. When I picked it up, I shoved my hands into the pockets, searching for my gloves. My fingers were freezing from gripping the icy chains.
We lived in Somnium, where winter was always long and cold. Snow had fallen overnight, but most of it had melted by morning. Still, there was some left on the wooden fence, and both mine and Berk’s jackets and bags were damp. I brushed off the snow before putting my jacket back on the fence.
Berk had also jumped off the swing and was rummaging through his bag.
-Are you hungry? he asked.
I shrugged.
-Hmm… no, I think I’m fine.
Berk grinned.
-Come on, you always have room for candy.
I laughed.
-True. I always have room for candy.
-Good, then we can eat the chips so I don’t have to carry them around.
He ripped open the bag of chips a little too aggressively, and a few chips fell onto the cold, frozen sand.
-Damn it… he muttered, staring at the chips before quickly covering them with his foot.
-No one saw anything.
I laughed and shook my head. Berk placed the bag of chips on his jacket and pulled out his phone.
-What do you want to listen to? he asked.
I shrugged again.
-Doesn’t matter, just put something on.
He did as I said and chose a slow song. Then he placed his phone between our swings. I popped a few chips into my mouth and sat back down on my swing.
Without even realizing it, a competition had begun, who could swing the highest?
At first, we were almost in sync, both swinging just as high. But I picked up speed, and soon I was higher up than Berk. He noticed and started pushing harder too. Then, a high-pitched scream left my lips before I even realized it.
I quickly turned to Berk and saw him burst into laughter. He was laughing so hard he could barely stay on the swing, which made him slow down. My heart was still pounding, but eventually, I started laughing too.
-God punished you, Elara, he said between fits of laughter.
His comment made me laugh even more, but I was still shaken.
I had swung up too fast, and since the iron was damp and my hands were covered with gloves, I had lost my grip. I lost my balance and almost fell off the swing. Now, it was just hanging there, slowly swaying from side to side.
Berk and I couldn’t stop laughing. My stomach started to hurt, and I could barely stand upright anymore.
-Okay, that’s enough. If someone sees us, they’ll think we’re drunk.
Berk just grinned.
-Who cares?
A car pulled into the parking lot next to us. A family with two children got out. The kids stared at us while we were still trying to stifle our laughter, but their mother quickly hurried them away.
I barely noticed. Berk and I gathered our things and started walking through the darkness. We playfully shoved each other as we made our way through the forest. After a while, we emerged onto the main road and began walking toward the nearest bus stop.
-Should we stop by the store and buy some chocolate or something?
-Okay, but do you even have any money?
-Let me check…
Berk pulled out his phone to see how much money he had left.
At that moment, my attention was drawn to the sky. A seagull flew high above us, and its scream echoed through the night. But neither me or Berk knew then that it was a farewell sign…
-Uh, I don’t have much, but it should be enough for a chocolate bar.
-Okay, then let’s go buy something.
We entered the store together. The store was small and old, but it was nice that they had food from different cultures. I saw Oreos, the ones we had bought last year and eaten in the forest, so I showed them to Berk. I really just wanted to remind him that we had bought them last year, but he probably thought I wanted to buy them now.
-No, they’re too expensive. We should get something cheaper.
-Hmm, yeah, you’re right.
I didn’t say that I just wanted to remind him of last year. When I misunderstand something or make a mistake, I don’t feel good, I get embarrassed. I was afraid he would feel the same way, and I didn’t want to make him feel bad.
Even if he probably doesn’t feel like that. When he makes a mistake, he usually just laughs it off. He doesn’t blame himself for every little thing, he doesn’t feel unnecessary shame, or get mad at himself.
But maybe he does, maybe he just hides his feelings inside.
I always try to hide my feelings too. Is everyone like this? When people make a mistake or when something makes them feel strong emotions, do they hide them? Is that why we think that those who don’t show emotions either don’t feel anything at all or are confident, someone who takes everything as a joke?
We see some people as strong and cool, others as if they don’t care about anything.
Do I manage to hide my emotions well enough? When I feel strong emotions, can people see them, or do they think I feel nothing at all? Maybe they see me as a strong person…
Berk nudged me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
-Hello, who am I talking to? Do you hear me?
-Huh? Yeah, yeah, I hear you. What did you say?
-What do you think about these? There aren’t that many in the pack, but they look big, and they’re cheap. Should we get them?
I looked at what he was showing me. It was mini 8-cakes. I used to eat them a lot when I lived in Tamyokka. If I remember correctly, the banana ones were my favorite, and if you put several in your mouth at once, they were hard to swallow. I hadn’t eaten 8-cakes in a long time and missed the taste.
Berk was right. The cakes were cheap, and even though they were mini, they looked big.
-I don’t know… We can get them if you want. It’s your money, after all.
-No, we’ll get them if you want them, you’ll end up eating most of them anyway.
Berk put the 8-cakes back and started looking at some other cookies.
-We can take some of these too if you want?
-No, I don’t think I want any cookies.
-Okay, then let’s look at something else.
We started walking around the store. Sometimes we stopped by certain shelves and looked at the sweets.
-Have you ever had a boyfriend?
-A boyfriend?
-Yes.
-No, never. I’ve talked to guys, but I’ve never considered them boyfriends.
-Hmm…
-Why do you ask?
- I don’t know, I was just curious.
-You’ve… never had anyone, right?
-No.
-Actually, I would like to have someone, but… I don’t think anyone sees me that way.
-Would you like to be with me…?
-WHAT?! Are you serious?!
Berk laughed loudly.
-Of course, I’m joking! What did you think, that I was really asking you to be my girlfriend?
-How could I know that?
I felt embarrassed and quickly tried to change the subject, but I didn’t do a very good job.
-So, you’d actually like to have a boyfriend?
-Yes.
Okay, is there anyone you like then?
I thought for a while about Berk’s question. Do I like anyone? The last time I was in love was three years ago, but that was only because of the looks. When I got to know him better, all my feelings faded. But now… was I in love with someone? Maybe… but was I truly in love? Or maybe I just liked him. Why could I never be sure of my feelings? Should I say yes? But if he asks who it is, what should I say then? ‘Sorry, but I can’t say’? No, then maybe he’ll think I don’t trust him. Should I say I like him? But what if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he gets uncomfortable and doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore? No, I couldn’t risk that.
-I don’t think so… I’m probably not in love with anyone.
-Are you sure?
I thought for a moment before I answered. I wanted to tell the truth, I wanted to say that I loved him. But I didn’t want to lose him. I always told Berk everything, all the good and bad things I had done. But this time, I couldn’t tell the truth, and it didn’t feel good.
Yes… I’m sure. I think.
Don’t be afraid of your feelings, just say how you feel. I’m listening, I understand. Don’t be afraid.
His voice was so soft, it warmed my heart. But I don’t think he even noticed it himself. Berk lifted his gaze from the candy shelf and looked at me.
-Hey, are you okay?
-Yes, yes, I’m fine. Why do you ask?
-You don’t usually think so long before you answer, but now you hesitate all the time. It takes a long time for you to respond.
-I’m just scared…
-Scared of what?
-I’m scared of how you’ll react.
-Elara, no matter what happens, I will never leave you, okay? No matter what, even if you went out and murdered someone right now, I would still stand by you. You’re very important to me, really.
-Berk…
-Yes?
-Is there someone you like?
-Why do you ask?
-Because you… I was just curious.
-I think so… but I don’t know if she likes me back.
-Who is it?
He leaned forward, bent a little, and our faces were at the same level.
-Are you really curious?
I didn’t need a mirror to know that my face had turned red. When Berk saw me blush, he immediately pulled back and started laughing. I lightly hit him on the chest.
-Stop!
-Say it first.
-Say what?
Who you like, of course.
-Ehm…
-Come on!
-Y-you…
Had he really heard me? I had whispered so quietly.
I saw how his expression turned into pure surprise.
-Did I hear right? Did you say ‘you’? Are you… talking about… me?
He pointed to himself. I nodded.
-Oh my God… you are joking right, please tell me you’re not joking!
He looked me straight in the eyes and held my hands. His hands were icy cold from having been near the refrigerated items, but soft and comfortable to hold.
-I-I’m serious.
-You’re joking!
-No.
-OH MY GOD, so you love me?
-Yes.
-No, this has to be a joke! Why does this always happen to me? I can’t ask you out here in a store… no, wait, let’s just buy something and go outside.
I didn’t really understand what was happening. Did he like me back? Was he going to ask me out? Was this a dream? If it was, I didn’t want to wake up.
He gently took my arm and pulled me toward the ice cream counter.
-How about some ice cream?
-Ice cream? Do you want ice cream?
-Yes… well, if it’s okay with you.
-It’s okay with me, but I don’t think we have enough money for two ice creams.
-Then we’ll look for something else.
-How about these?
Berk showed me a package of cookies. I wasn’t really in the mood for cookies, but these were one of my favorites, so I couldn’t say no.
-Sounds great, should we take them? We have enough money, right?
-Yeah, yeah, we do.
-Okay, then we’ll take them.
We walked to the register together. Since there were no other customers in the store, a man, maybe around 30 or 40 years old, was working the register. His beard and hair had several white strands, but what caught my attention the most was that his hair and beard were both black and brown, almost as if they were dyed. It wasn’t very common, but maybe he had dyed it, who knows? If he had, it actually looked impressive.
Berk quickly paid for the cookies, and we walked out of the store.
-Okay, good. Now… come.
He took my hand and led me to a big tree decorated with small Christmas lights.
-This is better.
-Berk, what’s going on? I don’t understand anything.
-Nothing special… I just need something that makes my life a little more beautiful.
-What do you mean?
-Will you be my girlfriend?
-You’re joking.
-Not this time. This time I mean it. I love you, I love you so much. I love you infinitely, and I will always love you, I promise. I will love you forever, for always.
His words made my eyes tear up. It was too much for me.
Berk kissed my forehead and hugged me. I hugged him back. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I shivered a little. I wanted to be close to him, but I always get shivers when someone touches me, no matter who it is. Since he was taller than me, my head didn’t reach his shoulder, so I leaned it against his chest instead. I could hear his heartbeat. I was afraid he would notice how fast my own heart was beating, but when I felt his heart beating fast too, I felt a little calmer.
Being in his arms felt so comfortable, as if all the sounds around us had disappeared, as if I didn’t feel anything anymore – neither the cold air nor all the confusion inside me. I felt safe, protected, as if I was exactly where I belonged. His perfume surrounded me, and the rhythm of my heart seemed to synchronize with his breathing.
With one hand, he still stroked my back, while the other gently caressed my hair.
Then he lifted his head from my shoulder, took my face in his hands, and brought his lips to my hair. He let them rest there for a while before kissing me. Then he pulled his hands from my face and took my hands instead. He looked me in the eyes. His hands were not as cold as before, they were warm now.
-Forever?
I smiled. Did I want to be with him forever? Was that even a question? Of course, I did.
-Forever…
That day, under that tree, we whispered ”forever” to each other. And who knows, maybe those words wound their way around the tree’s branches and stayed there, so this love could live forever…
Elara, Wednesday 2018-07-16
Berk was sitting on the edge of the sidewalk. His shirt sleeves were rolled up, and he was staring straight at the building in front of him. The building had a faded color, almost yellow-orange. The paint had peeled off, revealing the gray concrete beneath. I was sure that the paint had been scraped off by children who had nothing to do and were always looking for trouble—I was sure of it. It must have been a long time since it peeled because the concrete was covered in moss.
I walked slowly toward Berk. A seagull flew high above me, screeching loudly. I turned my head and looked up at the sky. The sun was strong, burning everything in the air. I had to squint with one eye to see the seagull properly. Even though I hated sunglasses, I wished I had them now. The seagull landed on the roof of a building and fell silent.
I took my gaze away from the sky and continued walking toward Berk when I suddenly heard the seagull’s scream again. I looked up at the sky, and before I realized it, a small scream escaped my lips. The seagull was flying very low, almost right above me. I shielded my head with the ice creams in my hand and quickly moved toward the sidewalk. In the middle of the road, I suddenly realized I was standing on the street. I checked to see if a car was coming but saw that the road was empty. I kept walking toward the sidewalk where Berk was sitting.
When I reached Berk, I glanced back at the street and thought it was silly to check for cars only after I had already crossed. When I turned my gaze back to Berk, I saw that his eyes were now on me instead of the building he had been staring at.
At first glance, I thought his eyes were very bright and beautiful, but then I noticed something else. And I think Berk noticed it too because he quickly turned his gaze back to the building.
“Are your eyes filled? Hey, are you okay?” I gently touched him and sat down beside him, not taking my eyes off him. When Berk realized I was talking to him, he quickly wiped his eyes and looked at me.
”Yeah, I’m fine?” He had an almost invisible smile on his face.
”Hey, how many years have we known each other? I can tell when you’re sad. You can’t even fake a smile. What’s wrong? Are you really okay?”
He looked at me for a long time, and his eyes filled with tears again.
”Hmm, yeah, I’m fine. I’m okay,” he said, his voice trembling.
I had once again lost myself in my thoughts, trying to figure out what was wrong, when I heard his voice again. I quickly turned my head and looked at Berk, who was sitting beside me.
He was crying.
How long had he been crying? I hadn’t noticed, and because of that, I hadn’t said anything. Did he think I didn’t care about him because of it?
I wanted to reach out and pat his back, tell him everything would be okay, but when I saw the ice creams in my hand, I wondered why I hadn’t given him one. I had somehow managed to hold both ice creams in one hand.
Despite my hesitation, I wrapped an arm around him.
”What happened?” I tried to speak softly, as gently as possible. I hoped my voice sounded supportive.
Berk turned his head toward me, his face wet with tears, glistening in the sunlight. I watched him, following the path of the tears as they ran from his eyes, down his cheeks, and onto his chin.
I felt dampness in my palm and looked down at my hand.
The hand that was supposed to be holding the ice creams was instead gently caressing Berk’s hand, and the dampness I felt came from his cheek, wet with tears.
The ice creams had already begun melting onto the sidewalk under the sun, forming a small puddle.
Berk opened his mouth as if to say something, but all that came out was a sigh.
I was surprised that I still hadn’t moved my hand from his cheek, but what surprised me even more was how he suddenly threw his arms around my neck.
Slowly, I wrapped my arms around him.
I could clearly smell his perfume, or was it the heat that made it feel so strong and lingering? His scent was fruity and sweet.
I let my head rest on his shoulder and gently stroked his back.
”But you said you were fine… hmm, what happened?”
I lifted my head from his shoulder, took his face in my hands, and looked into his eyes. I tried to keep my voice playful to cheer him up, but he just started crying even more.
Berk
I could see myself in Elara’s eyes. Her hands were cold, and I wondered what she thought of me right now as she watched me cry like this.
“Berk, what happened?” Her voice was low and soft. Should I really tell the truth, or should I, as usual, tell a little lie? I shook my head.
“I’m fine, it’s nothing.”
Suddenly, the thought of Changa finding us like this scared me. I pulled away. I wanted to be close to Elara, to hug her and cry, but I couldn’t.
We looked at each other for a long time.
“Aren’t you going to tell me what happened?”
I decided to tell her. I felt tired, probably because of the heat and all the tears I had shed. I tried to open my mouth, but my lips had stuck together from not speaking for so long. I wetted them and tried again, but I realized I didn’t know what to say.
Elara looked at me with a thoughtful expression, waiting for me to say something.
I waited for the words to come.
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
I lowered my gaze and looked down at the sidewalk where we sat. Small green grass and flowers had started growing between the stones. I had seen grass and flowers grow between stones surrounding soil many times before, but never between the pavement stones.
“What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think about why you’re crying?”
I thought about her question.
What was the first thing that popped into my head?
Elara and Changa’s wedding?
That Changa makes Elara happier than I do?
That Elara loves Changa more?
Or is it the truth, that Elara is no longer mine?
As I thought about all of this, tears started running down my cheeks again. I felt a pain in my stomach. Was it heartbreak, or was it hunger from not eating anything since the morning?
If it was heartbreak, would I feel this way forever?
I probably would. At least every time I saw Changa and Elara together.
Elara was still holding my hands, waiting for me to answer her question.
I stopped looking at her hands holding mine and met her gaze. I expected her to look away, but she didn’t.
“Elara… I… I believed in you, I believed in your words and…”
I sighed. I didn’t know where to begin.
She looked at me with a puzzled expression, as if I were speaking a language she didn’t understand, as if she hadn’t understood anything I was saying.
Maybe she really hadn’t.
“Do you remember, back in high school, when I told you that I would love you forever? When we both promise forever for our love?
Do you remember that?”
She nodded, and her eyes were filled with tears too.
“And Elara, I really believed what you said. I truly believed that we would be forever together, that our love would never die.
But they took that.”
I lowered my gaze as I said the last sentence, my voice so low that I could barely hear it myself.
The thought that Changa had taken her from me hurt so much.
It hurt more than hurting myself.
It hurt, so terribly much.
It felt like my heart was burning from the inside, like someone had stabbed me right in the chest.
“If you had stayed with me, maybe our love would still be alive, but you left to focus on your career, and you did the right thing.
But I can’t help but wonder…
If you had gone to university here in Somnium with me, would you have even met Changa?
Would you still have been mine?”
I kept my gaze lowered. I didn’t want to look into her tear-filled eyes.
I didn’t want it to hurt even more.
But every word that left my mouth only made the pain worse.
She withdrew one of her hands from mine and gently ran her fingers through my hair.
I had really missed that feeling.
“Yes… if I had gone to university here in Somnium with you, I probably never would have met Changa.
And our love would still be alive.”
Her last sentence was barely audible.
“I blame myself so much, Elara. I have so much regret. I shouldn’t have let go of you. I could have gone to university in Artem with you, I didn’t have to leave you.”
I sighed.
“Elara, I still love you so much. Sometimes, even when I’m not always sure of my feelings, they have always been there. They were always there, deep in my heart. But your feelings for me have probably faded over time, and then you met Changa, and he took my place in your heart.”
“But you know, I understand you. Yes, Changa is a much better person than I am, and he suits you much better than I do. He is smart, rich, handsome, kind, he has everything you want, Elara.
People say that everyone is made for someone, that everyone will one day find the person who makes them smile, who makes them feel like themselves, who makes them feel safe.
For me, you were that person, but for you, I’m probably not. And that makes me so sad.”
I felt warmth, Elara hugged me.
“I’m sorry, really.” Her voice was calm, and that teasing tone was gone.
“I think you should move on now, Berk. Stop holding on to me. I’m sure there are hundreds of thousands of women like me. Berk, go and find someone other than me.”
She wiped away my tears. What she said sounded terrifying.
But maybe she was right.
Elara would never look at me the same way again, and I was sure of it.
Elara let go of me and stood up. She grabbed her bag, which was hanging over her shoulder, blinked with one eye, and looked forward, waving.
When I looked in the same direction, I saw Changa running toward us. He stopped to let a car pass and then crossed to the other side.
He hugged Elara and kissed her cheek, and he probably didn’t even notice that I was sitting there.
Changa said something to Elara, and she laughed.
I turned my gaze away from them, I couldn’t look at them anymore because the sun was too bright.
I stood up.
Elara’s words still echoed in my ears.
“Go and find someone other than me.”
Maybe she was right.
Now it was time to move on, but I wasn’t thinking about finding someone else.
Elara would forever be in my heart, no one could take her place.
Without looking at Changa and Elara, I quickly walked away.
I had to let go of Elara.
I didn’t know where I was going—I just wanted to be somewhere where I wouldn’t be reminded of Elara.
Somnium wasn’t an option, but Tamyokka wasn’t so bad either.
I just wanted to get away from here.
Right now, I didn’t know what would happen next, where I was headed, or where I was.
The only thing I knew was that Elara had broken our promise.
The promise that we would be together forever.
A promise.
On my hardest days, the first thing I thought about was that promise—the promise that Elara would always be with me.
But now, that promise was broken.
Elara
I watched Berk as he disappeared into the crowd on the sidewalk. Changa’s arms were wrapped around my waist, and his head rested on my shoulder. I had made Berk a promise when we were young. A promise that was meant to last forever. But life deceives people, it deceives us all, and it deceived us too. I truly wanted to keep that promise, but some promises must be broken. Sometimes, paths lead in different directions. I knew that I loved him, as a friend. I had always loved him.
But it was too late now, everything was over, and I couldn’t turn back time. I still hadn’t forgotten the way he looked at me. How his eyes sparkled when he saw me. Sometimes, I hear a voice inside me whispering that I made the wrong choice. That it should have been Berk and me, not Changa and me. But there is no rule that says things must always turn out the way we want them to. I still had some feelings left for Berk, hidden feelings, feelings I could barely even recognize myself. If only there had been a way where we didn’t have to part. If only everything could have stayed the same. But I was no longer that Elara. Just like Berk, I had to move on.
For a moment, I wanted to take back my words to him. I didn’t want him to leave. I still wanted to be by his side, but sometimes, you have to sacrifice something to gain something else. I had to sacrifice Berk for Changa.
I still remember the day we whispered ”forever.” But sometimes, forever is very short.
I held Changa a little tighter. I hoped that somewhere, in another world, maybe in another galaxy, another version of me was with him. I wished I could be that Elara, the one who got to stay by his side. But sometimes, things go even more wrong than we think.
Changa
I followed Elara’s gaze. Berk was already gone. Her eyes were still damp, fixed on the same spot. Was she mourning the loss of her childhood friend, or was she mourning the loss of her first love?
I took her hands, which were tightly wrapped around me, and looked into her eyes. I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. She smiled, but something was missing.
Now that Berk was gone, she was only mine, forever mine. My gaze fell to her ring finger, where the engagement ring shimmered in the light. I gently stroked her hand. She was here with me, but did her heart truly belong to me? Or were there still traces of Berk left inside it? Did she still hold a place for him in her heart?
This must be the saddest form of victory…ever
Författare: Ceyda